Might trigger someone...

Alrighty, I thought I’d vent (whine about) this all here ‘cause I actually did find it helpful getting some of this stuff out in the chat room… This WILL be boring, no one’s forced to read…

I’ve been depressed for a long long time (depression is my own diagnosis, I think it’s kind of obvious) for absolutely no reason at all. I mean nothing really bad has ever happened to me, of course there are lot of things I could point out that might have affected. Tough part with that is not knowing when it actually started but because it has been going on for at least from when I was 13 I guess stuff like changing school and parents divorcing at least haven’t been actually helpful either. That’s just guessing though, I didn’t really care about either of them

I’m having difficulties writing this because now that I do, I’m having all these new thoughts about it and I don’t know how to put it

Well, I know I have had major self esteem issues from when I was a teen, which I guess is normal. But I hate the way I look, I disgust myself most of the time, other times I don’t care but never has there even once been a time I had been happy with it… I’d kill for plastic surgery, I’m serious. I took every bad comment of my looks as the absolute truth, I still do and I still remember all of them… Then I also developed the insane fear of saying something stupid, it scares me to death. I also remember most of the stupid things I’ve ever said that’s made people snicker. From YEARS ago!!! Somebody tell me why can’t I just freaking LET GO!? I started believing that everyone thinks badly of me, everyone hates me and laughs at me behind my back… Every time people laughed they must have been laughing at me, when they were whispering together and go quiet if I came closer they must have been talking about me… They must have

I actually do realize how selfish it is to think that, “everyone has to always think about Me and talk about Me, there’s nothing else they could have on their mind but Me”

I didn’t have many friends as a teen and boyfriends I didn’t have at all. Just like some random guys I might have gotten drunk with as 14-year-old and so on, couldn’t remember any names or anything. I was very scared to go to school everyday even though I wasn’t specially picked at… just some comments now and then. I was extremely shy and awkward with boys and at the same time panicked about everyone else being more experienced than I am So… at 17 I was REALLY panicked about me going to die as a virgin so I went ahead and let this 30-year-old guy take advantage of that. He even had a girlfriend of his own so I guess he’d be a seriously bad choice . All my guys after that have been more or less in the same league so u can imagine how I feel about men and sexuality… I'm gonna end up alone as a hermit just living with bunch of animals, talking to them and thinking they talk back

All of this got worse and worse as time went by, so at 18 I really started thinking about committing a suicide, that had been in my thoughts daily for many years but only then I really got serious about it. I won’t say I attempted cuz I know just walking to a bridge and then starting to argue with some blokes that show up isn’t really trying of any kind… I was probably just relieved those people came there… I had trouble getting sleep that summer, thoughts kept running in my head, like a voice that kept mocking me, telling me all the stupid things I’ve done and everything that’s wrong with me… I couldn’t get sleep and I didn’t want to “listen” that so I pretty much went running every night and listened to music. Lots of batteries spent… Made sure I was always home before mom woke up... as in I skilfully hid the whole thing from them for years

I got pretty desperate from there on, my studying got F’d up, I slept on classes, skipped school as much as it was possible just by writing false absence permissions. I had anxiety almost every day in school and pretty much everywhere that u have to stay put. I wanted to keep moving or die. I did try to kill myself for real, didn’t succeed though as u can see . I started taking drugs which originally came from the idea that I could overdose, my dealer unfortunately wasn’t up for that though, but they worked somewhat as an anti-depressant too… They “got me through” the higher school examinations and stuff like that. But then he stopped selling me and I had enough trouble of finding a guy I “trusted” in the first place, so I just took off with the drugs I had and left before I had to finish what I had left of upper secondary and start applying to universities.

I was meant to go and jump under a train or something but I ended up driving totally high in Helsinki at my friend’s place whom no one in my “other life” knew. I was really really really just at my limit there. Spent there a few days before my folks started calling after me, I was a total mess. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I was sick, I had panic attacks and even more so when the phone started ringing I didn’t answer to any before I got a msg from a police (so ridiculous that cops send messages ) ), something about tracing me bla bla if I don’t let my folks hear of me. Well I got scared I’d have police catching me if I left the house so I told my sister they can all go * . After that I spent about a month there, until I got very depressed by it (my friend’s an alcoholic so she’s not always the best company ) and agreed to go to my brother’s, another month in there, and then my dad rented this lovely little apartment for me

In the beginning of this new “era” I was still very depressed and suicidal and my sister kept guarding me like a maniac. I also felt like filling the void of the drugs with something and I really had a desire of SI, luckily I didn’t have sharp enough knife and I’m a coward anyway

I haven’t seen my mom since I ran away and I have some serious issues regarding her but MAYBE I can whine about rest of the stuff another time don’t ye think? Maybe this is just laura's life, part one oh my god i am SO sorry to bug you guys with this....

Sorry for this ridiculous over extended biography I’ll try and keep the rest of them shorter… wow I bet no one got to finish this..