All the way through my last episode, the one where I ended up in a forensic psychiatric ward for a month, I refused to take an antipsychotic, including when I was locked up. It wasn't until after I had pulled out of it that i came to grips with the fact that I have a psychotic illness of some kind, whether it is bipolar 1 with psychotic features or schizoaffective disorder. I thought I was part of a global conspiracy to take over the world and had special powers and that my whole house was bugged with not only cameras but ways of making noises like clicks and bangs. So I had paranoid delusions as well as hallucinations.

I settled on Rexulti as an insurance policy against having another breakdown. Only time will tell if it works though to be honest. I also live on my own and can easily go off the rails without anyone noticing as I don't work either. I am also presently taking a small dose of Olanzapine (1.25 mg) to sleep at night but am trying to get off it. So far, i seem to need it to stay asleep.

I had to sink all the way to the bottom in my life before I accepted that I am better off on an antipsychotic than off all of them.