I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Dnester You're definitely not alone in this as this thread has already shown. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice in this thread. I'd suggest to follow if you can. I don't think you're a bad person. Are you sure you find it really that funny? You've said that you feel the instinct to smile, but you've also said that you feel immediately guilty afterward. Perhaps it's just a reaction you have to cope with this? Everyone has its onw ways to cope with tragedies, and for some people it may even be laughing or smiling. So yes, I'd say it's actually pretty normal. I understand why you'd feel this way, though. I'd suggest to talk to yoru therapist about this and see how it goes from there. Hopefully she will be able to help you. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. Perhaps you could explore the causes of this. Just remember that you're a perfectly normal person. The fact that you still feel guilty proves that you're self-aware. That's great! Be proud of yourself for that. Even if you didn't feel guilty, we can't really control our reactions to tragedies. I wouldn't worry too much about it. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this