I feel completely dead inside. Today was SO hard. I could barely convince myself to go to work. I only did because I actually like this job and don’t want to get fired. I can’t imagine making it through the next two days. I just want to stay in bed and sleep. I tried to take a nap but I couldn’t fall asleep. I just laid in bed and then got up and ate my feelings again. I’m just getting fatter and fatter and it’s not helping but I can’t concentrate on dieting right now so **** it.

I wish I could cry. I know I’ll be crying my eyes out at the funeral but so far I haven’t cried at all except for a tear or two on Monday. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to cry. I’ve always been this way. When my dad died I only cried for like a minute or two after mom told me and then not again for years. I cry out of frustration and sometimes when I’m severely depressed. I cried a lot when my husband died but even then it was only for a month or two then it ceased. I don’t know what my problem is.

Well RS is on his way to comfort me. I feel bad relying on him so much when we just started dating three months ago. Of course we all though my father in law would have more time. We didn’t know it would be five months.

Sigh. At least I showered. I don’t know when the last time I showered was. I think Saturday but I’m not sure. I’ve been washing my hair but I need to wash my *** too lol.

Saturday is going to suck.