I'm sorry you are struggling with these suicidal thoughts. This is a struggle I am familiar with as well. I don't really have anything in the way if useful advice to offer you. I just wanted to let you know I read your post... & I wish you well. Here are links to 2 of DocJohn's articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of suicide that perhaps may be of some help:

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

Suicidal? What Van Gogh's Life Can Teach You

My best wishes to you...