I know I don't post much. I have a major problem with avoiding everything in my life that causes emotional discomfort. I read the entire forum faithfully, but "talking" about myself only reminds me how messed up everything is. So much crap to deal with - and way too long to get into in the SI forum.

But, on top of everything else (long term unemployment, totally being broke, close to being evicted and homeless), I now have this horrible secret. It started with a few light scratches on my arm. In a matter of days, it has escalated into an overwhelming urge to gauge deeper and harder whenever I try to be "present" (as my T would say) and deal with my life or feelings. So far, its about 20 ugly marks on my left arm. I'm running out of room and afraid of continuing to the next arm and anywhere else that's left unmarked.

I guess it's not too much of a secret because I've already mentioned it to my T. Actually we talked in length about it. Of course, she's supportive and worried, and I'm embarrassed and was in denial that it could be a problem. I really thought it was a one time deal. The first time I did it, I was in a semi-conscious state - sleeping with my eyes open. But now, I'm wide awake and go into almost a trance-like state when I'm doing it. Looking at my arm scares me. There would be no way of denying what happened to anyone who saw my arm. It was no accident. I can see how it escalates, because I think about the razor that's tucked inside my purse for "just in case".

I don't know what I'm asking for. I've read most of the forum and understand how once it starts, it's hard to stop and causes more problems. But that hasn't stopped me. I'm just afraid of where I'm heading. My life is only gonna get more complicated before it gets easy. But I'll always have the razor when it does.

No need for hugs, I don't deserve them.