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mouse said:
its more like your just trying to withold so as to protect yourself just-in-case there is no-one-else on the other end of the relationship

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This may be true, I aways like to have a several back up plans in case people don't respond the way I expect them to. As for fantasizing about or idealizing this relationship, I think maybe by continually reminding myself that this is a professional relationship is a way of defending myself against making these mistakes.

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Pink said:
The more we keep our T's at a distance-- believe that they couldn't *really* care about us, the easier it is to accept that one day the relationship will end. Also, if we have never been cared about in this manner before, you are going to have a really difficult time accepting it-- that is normal.

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This may be true although when I really look deep, I don't really have worries about when the therapeutic relationship will end. That may be because of how I am mentally treating it. I can honestly say that I am very afraid of the down side that Solairee is going through. Thanks for the NORMAL comment :-)

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Have you discussed this with her?

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Of course not!!! Well, not until I read your line anyway.
I put some of what I'm experiencing in writing and emailed it to her. She said that it is OK for me to do that and I believe her. I have a lot of work to do this weekend and wanted to try to get this crap out of my head so I can focus on other crap. I'm hoping that by unloading it a bit I will free up some cognitive space to do other work. I warned her that I might cover my ears and head for under her desk if she reads it out loud. Just kidding, I've weather the other readings, this one isn't going to be as bad.

I have a good therapeutic relationship with my T, who I like, who likes me including all of the freaky ego states, and who is NOT a stranger. (What do you think should I post that statement on my bathroom mirror?)

I just need to learn to tolerate things when they get to intense for my liking.
Thanks everyone for straightening me out yet again!