Saw baby T for the first time since my surgery. (Last session was on the 10th) and He started off by asking alot about my recovery and how I'm doing since I'm in temporary care with my mom.. things like that. We chatted about the crappy weather and stuff too a bit.

Then we got into talking about how I can really be direct/unfiltered with people..... and how I even asked the student dr who was helping with my surgery "Have you had much experience?" and how it can be as good thing but often times people can react poorly to it. He reminded me, as my T often did, that I can't control other people's reactions. I can only control my own.

We got more into T stuff, especially with regards to regret. I gave some specific examples of my regrets and even brought up the jealousy of his female co worker etc. I asked him "how much of this can I tell you before you say you have to report him" and he said he wouldn't unless it was sexual or I felt like I was genuinely harmed but even then, he would suggest we dissect it first before filing any reports. I stated I was not harmed, I'm just sad he's gone. I explained this is not me trying to rat him out or anything, I don't want that. I want to be ok with it and have hope for maybe talking again someday. He understood and agreed this didn't fall into a need to report thing

So that helped me feel better about sharing some of the stuff I dont share here that he did with me and it was weird at one point baby T said "I understand that it really made your friendship frustrating in the end then when he came off cold" FRIENDSHIP? Wow... it's weird he even seems to think that.

We talked about my goals with this and how I can work on re-directing my thoughts. He wants me to write a more specific list of my triggers, I could only name 2 off hand, and then try to remember it next time and work from there. I asked him as a professional who is newly out of grad school, his views on the 2 year thing. He was very honest with me which I liked. He said that it made a lot of sense from a industry standpoint because even though it isn't a rule or law, there is still that ethical thing and he explained WHY... and it's more so that, it gives both parties time to grow and do their own thing, for the client to not feel dependency on the therapist... and for it to feel more like a neutral thing. I asked him, if I was crazy to have even small hope about reaching out and asking to meet up simply to see how he's been in 2 years and he said no, not at all. He's heard of it happening. He said he liked that I was smart about just wanting the bear minimum and letting things happen naturally from there and he says he can help me get to a point where I can focus on me and my life and not this loss... but still carry the hope of maybe someday. Which is nice

I was open about my jealousy toward one specific woman that T planned to keep a friendship with and that was a good convo. There was one point where he shut the blinds because the sun was glaring and he was like "Gosh now I need my old man nap" and I nearly lost my ****. T and I joked CONSTANTLY about him being "old" and that was just really hard but I didn't say anything. I'll add it to my trigger list

Sadly he has nothing next Thurs but he had Monday pm. I didn't wanna go back so soon but eh... might as well. Otherwise he now has Friday afternoons there but afternoons are harder for me with my job. So I'm not 100% keen on therapy right now. I'm angry because it's not my T. I'm angry I have to deal with **** still, but he seems at least willing to really put in effort on it. So hopefully it can help. We also agreed not to bad mouth T. I said, he can tell me things if he didn't like what he says or whatever but don't talk negatively about him. I told him I'm still very protective of him and I'm not ok with that from people. They dont' know him like I did

So pretty decent session. On the plus side I was able to comfortably sit the whole time, which I haven't done much of since surgery and I managed the stairs well.