Hello Swvrf: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC and welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry your privacy, as well as your feelings of safety & security, have been so violated. You asked how the two of you survive this. And I have to admit I don't know. I suppose the obvious answer is couples therapy. However if your husband refuses to take responsibility for what he has done then I doubt any kind of couples therapy is going to help. You may want to consider pursuing some individual therapy for yourself to help you deal with what has occurred.

Here are links to 7 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help in putting this situation into perspective. Included is a link to a quiz you can take to help you determine if your relationship is abusive:

Signs of Emotional Abuse

11 Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships

21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Signs of Gaslighting and the Cost

How to Understand Gaslighting

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/library/domestic_quiz.htm

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.