I feel like I want to discuss this with my therapist, but I'm also terrified to, so I wanted to feel it out here and see what you guys think.
Last Friday I was really struggling with some things so I texted my T and asked if I could see him for a few minutes. I felt like we were disconnecting in email and my mood was plummeting fast. He replied back and said "it's never just a few minutes". But said he'd be around at noon. Well, his email was less than welcoming, so I didn't bother going up at noon. I texted him around 12:30 and just said "sorry I fell asleep". I was feeling him out to see if he was still...grumpy. A few emails back and forth and we decided I'd go up at 2pm.
When I went up at 2, I said to him that I felt like his response was a bit abrupt considering this is the first time I have EVER asked to see him outside of a session. He turned so red I was actually scared, and tempted to turn around and walk out the door. He said he wasn't going to argue over semantics and what did I want.
So I told him I only needed five minutes (didn't even take my coat off). I told him what I wanted and left feeling pretty confident I was going to be fired at my regular session on Monday, based on what he was saying (I'm not making progress, nothing is changing, he doesn't know what to do with me, I'm going to have to sell him on my progress on Monday, etc).
I went home completely and utterly devastated. I had been trying to reach out to him for several days because i was so depressed and having suicidal thoughts. I just wanted to be heard for five minutes and it went so wrong. I should add here that I am borderline, so I have EXTREME emotional reactions to everything.
That evening I wrote him a three page (single spaced) suicide note. It was long, and detailed. There was a lot of anger and spite in it. I wrote it with the intention of causing him pain and hurt. I fully planned my suicide. Every detail. I had planned on doing it Monday after he fired me.
But Monday came and we had a really, really good session, and he didn't fire me. And we did some really good work together. We talked everything through. I told him I was actually afraid of him on Friday because of his anger at me.
Now I'm struggling with whether or not to tell him I wrote him this long letter. I feel guilty not telling him. I feel like I'm withholding information when we're trying really hard to trust each other.
On the other hand, he has really, really strict rules around suicide, and I'm afraid if he knows how close I was he actually will fire me. I'm trying to trust him, but I don't think I can with this.
It's really bothering me. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
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