Quote:
Originally Posted by bubbles00
So just a little bit of a backstory: I used to be in a relationship (for almost 2 years) and it basically enhanced my depression and suicidal tendencies and that always caused strain on the relationship. My depression kept telling me he deserves better and that I'm not good enough for him etc. When my suicidal tendencies got really bad I tried breaking up with him because I wanted to kill myself and didn't want him to know about my suicide. I sabotaged my relationship because of my depression. It got really bad to the point that now I 100% believe that my death is going to be from suicide and that it is inevitable. From there on out I oathed that I will never date again (or even have kids) because of my commitment issues and my suicidal ideation.
Fastforward to now, I realized that since I'm so emotionally unavailable and can't have a relationship I'll have what I can still have - sex. So off I went on Tinder having multiple hookups without having to worry about commitment and anything long term.
But then comes a guy (let's call him 'B') and he is so sweet to me. Everytime he comes to see me he always brings me a little gift, texts me with heart/kiss emojis, drives me to work, and has even started calling me babe. Sometimes he even calls me in the middle of the day just to talk for fun and catch up about our day. I can tell he's 'vetting' me about our compatibility on major topics such as religion and even vaccines. I can tell he really really likes me. He checks all the boxes that I would want in a boyfriend so it just sucks that he came into my life at such a bad time.
He's a sweetheart but I'm scared. I was not ready for this. I'm not mentally stable and never will be. My friends and coworkers are pressuring me to go with the flow and date him. But my depression/suicidal ideation is so bad I don't want that to ruin any more relationships. I don't want that to strain the relationship if I start dating B.
He's on vacation right now for 2 weeks so I have time to think about what I want to do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. My commitment issues and the fact that I think I will 100% die from suicide sooner or later is deterring me from even chancing a relationship (also no, I'm not seeing a therapist/psychiatrist - I can't afford one). I don't want my SO heartbroken from a loss of their partner because of suicide nor do I want to leave my future kids without a mother. It's just a super difficult decision to make.
So now I'm thinking: how do people with depression maintain a relationship? Doesn't suicidal ideation cause HUGE guilt/strain while in a relationship? How can you maintain a healthy relationship with your SO with your mental health issues especially at times when you're contemplating suicide?
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I echo the sentiments of other users here saying that if you wish to continue this relationship, it would be in both your interests to inform them of your suicidal ideation. At least you'd be giving them a choice, and you'd be alleviating compounding guilt on your part. Im curious though, what is stopping you from telling this person and what stopped you from telling your previous partner? Fear of losing them?
But assuming this person wishes to continue this. There are more things to consider.
Did your previous partners ignorance of your mental health issues contribute largely to the exacerbation of your depression? Because it seems like that wasn't all there was to it, if that had any part at all. You mention your self loathing behaviors, so my question is did that have more to do with the nature of your depression than the guilt of your partner not knowing? If so, perhaps that is something that should be explained.
As to you being unable to afford a proffesional. Well, what else have you tried in an attempt to treat yourself? Did you used to see a proffesional? Online forums? Local groups? Is there anything in your life that helps relieve your depression? Even if temporarily?
How long have you been depressed? Is there a cause you can pinpoint to?
Feel free to ignore some questions.. just trying to gain more of an understanding of your situation. The more info, the more we might be able to help you in someway.