Did you just discover a pattern, perhaps THE pattern? People's anger makes you afraid, when you're afraid your mood plummets and you think about suicide.

For many of us, fear trips up down some particularly pathway before we recognize it's happening. It felt to me like there was a neurological circuit, a groove, where when I was afraid the synaptic sparks would just fly, like I was on automatic pilot.

So maybe the question for therapy is about the thing that prompted the suicide note, not the note itself. Assuming I've got it right, the questions I'd be curious about exploring in therapy are: 1) why other people's anger makes me afraid? [if you grew up in a house with an explosive person or were physically abused or witnessed abuse, this is probably an obvious one]; and 2) how can I identify I'm afraid before that physiological/neurological/automatic thing starts happening that plummets my mood down? [the earlier you can identify it's happening, probably in your body, like heart beats faster, breathing quickens, etc, the better chance you have to stop it before it trips over and over]; and 3) once I can get a tiny wedge of distance between my fear and my present-based mind, what can I do to relieve my fear instead of thinking dark thoughts?

I think the suicidality is like the band aid you use for the deeper and more complicated problem. And it makes sense to think about escaping from the pain when you feel awful and low. It's a coping mechanism, I think, that has somewhat paradoxically served you, because it's protected you from your own fear. It's deeply rational and it's familiar. But if you can interrupt the fear spiral before it takes over your body and your brain, you can be free of it.