I felt offense at another thread when someone said she didn't find a crying man attractive. After some brief soul-searching, I discovered exactly what had tripped my trigger, but I took it off the original thread so I wouldn't derail it.

It's because, even though I happen to be female, I grew up hearing the same kind of crap myself. It didn't matter what was upsetting me, the whole goal was not to cry. Behavior was so much more important than emotional well-being. By crying, one committed the cardinal sin of calling attention to oneself and one's needs, in a family where one was expected to blend into the background and not have any.

So, I'd hear "You're not pretty when you cry," or even more commonly, "I'll give you something to cry about." It was strongly impressed upon me that crying was not acceptable behavior. The biggest badge of courage anyone, male or female, could wear was to be able to say, "I went through this or that, but I didn't cry!!" I wore that badge of honor when I was 11 and broke my collarbone at school; despite the pain I would not let anyone see me cry. When I was 15, my boyfriend was killed in a hunting accident, and my family was sooo proud of me for the way I was "holding up" and "being strong." What I was doing, was stuffing. It took me two and a half years to mourn that tragic loss, and then I was drunk at a high school party. Then I went on to nearly a decade of my adult life in which I was completely frozen and unable to demonstrate any emotions. I felt it, sure, but I could not express it. Not even when someone died--like my youngest child. Oh, you'd better believe that hurt. But I'd been so deeply ingrained with the doctrine that not crying meant being strong, that I did not have that outlet.

After I began to thaw out, I had an encounter with a pdoc who walked into the room, saw that I was crying, and the first thing out of her mouth was, "I'm going to increase your Prozac." She didn't even think to ask what was going on, and in my case I had just gotten off the phone with my (at the time) husband. He was in the hospital. His legs had stopped working, they were trying to figure out why, and they didn't know if he would ever walk again. But never mind that; I was crying, so let's up the meds. I never saw that pdoc again.

Nor would I trust a T with the same attitude. If someone is crying, male or female, the very first thought should not be whether or not that person is attractive at the moment. It should be what is hurting that person. For example, I don't think a man whose mother has just died should have to worry about whether or not the woman in his life finds him attractive if he cries about it.

There. Spleen vented.