I think I'm going through a low right now. I think I was triggered with issues with my father. It's funny. I could have posted this in the BPD thread, too, considering I have that as well. Also, OCD. And, I feel like my relationship with my father is the epitome of BPD. Like if a relationship could be categorized as mental illness, ours would be BPD.

But, I've been feeling depressed for quite some time, and at first, it was the side effects of the medication I was taking, Seroquel, but then, I realized, that I've always had issues with my father, and every time he drives me to work, we talk, even though I don't want to. It starts out as a normal conversation, then it turns into a condescending lecture, which usually turns into a horrific fight.

I walk into work every day with a panic attack, and I feel depressed and just awful.

I'm a writing tutor, so my only saving grace is the students, who give me energy and make me happy. However, I feel as if I put on two faces. One, the person in between students, who sits at her desk and sighs heavily and is depressed and tries to read or write in her journal and sometimes is just too tired so stares off into space. Then, when I get a student, I put on my excited face, and I tutor. And I'm actually very good at it.

I'm afraid, one of these days, I won't be able to switch faces, and I'll do something wrong with one of the students.

I think it kind of happened yesterday, with a student who was like "Aren't you basically supposed to edit our papers? Isn't that the point of your job?" I was having such a bad day, because of an argument with my father, before shift, that after trying to explain to him the tutoring process, I stopped at like ten seconds, and went, "Just give me your paper," and edited it silently, on my own.

I was cordial and kind and told him he was a fantastic writer and he should probably be in a higher level class, to which he answered he'd rather live in mediocrity.

However, I felt as if my interaction with that student was my first glimpse into the possibility that I may not be able to switch faces.

And, basically, I just want one face. A stable, happy face.

I mean, I was happy the night before. I was reading this great book, and the next day, after the argument with my father, I had a realization that my daddy issues were back and I was just distracted by my Seroquel reactions and my skepticism of my psychiatrist.

So, I feel very low.

I'm also at this point where I just don't eat...at all.

Yesterday, I worked nine hours, and I didn't eat. I got home, and, after about an hour, I said, I should eat. I ate, and I felt nauseous again. I'm also dealing with nausea because of the anxiety.

I think that's part of the reason I am so tired all the time, and why it is so hard to even write this post or read that wonderful book, or even get out of bed.

I don't know. Is it true that food is fuel? Because I remember seeing some graphics in a textbook when I was a kid about food being fuel.

Smells, tastes, everything is disgusting, whether I'm manic or low. And I'm just too tired to make anything.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Tuesday.

But, from what it seems (of course you can't know by appearances), he doesn't seem to have an understanding of what I'm going through, beyond what he learned in medical school and training, so I wanted to ask you guys.

How do I deal with this?

Also, is it normal to feel tired on your day off?

Thank you.