All of the lists. All of the lies. All of the disordered, unwanted showers. All the blame and hate towards a 5 year old. A 3 year old. And that COMMAND to be silent. That COMMAND to deny myself and my parts from all those abusers. I should fade into the shadows and be forever silent. If only it was so easy I’d disappear, fade away drown and disappear permanently in those unwanted hated showers.