First session after my T's vacation today.

First we discussed me meeting my parents this weekend. I said how my mom will probably be upset about my hair color. T asked what was wrong with it. I said it's green... he didn't notice at all and still had a hard time recognizing anything was off after I told him, even though it's really noticeable. I told him he needs glasses and he agreed.

We talked about them planning to move to the US. We talked about cultural difference between the two countries and what my mom thinks is nicer there than here. We also talked about my mom making mean comments about me having to study stuff for the first few months at work instead of doing 'real' work. He laughed at how she worded it. I mentioned how I wouldn't want to visit them if they did actually move, since I'm scared of traveling and he seemed to understand.

Then I got sad. We talked about that a bit, mainly a memory related to [/trigger] my suicide attempt about two years ago [trigger]. He was really surprised that we've already know each other for two years.
He guided me through some mindfulness exercises after that and I was able to calm down a bit before having to leave. He stressed that I can text him in case anything comes up.

I’m developing a clearer picture of how I am with T. All I can think is how frustrating it must be to work with me. I had convinced myself that I wasn’t TOO avoidant however, T’s silent refusal to enable my avoidance makes the walls I feel myself running into in therapy very visible. I wonder how much of T’s refusal to directly challenge me has more to do with caution on T’s part to not push me too hard too fast or if T is just deciding not to help.

This whole session felt like a dance around some big issues. T was definitely alluding to them but did not come right out and name them. I just have no idea how to start talking about them. Or how to know if I’m ready to or not. I don’t even know how to talk about this with T even though I know T would be more than happy to.

Bahh. This is therapy, I guess!