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LabRat27 · Mar 02, 2019 at 08:12 AM

ED TW

Possible trigger:

as has been the pattern lately, we started with discussing my GI issues and them not really improving, my eating and feelings about food, and my weight. He asked how that had been going and I said about the same. He kinda pushed for specifics.
I assured him that I'd been maintaining my weight. He said he thought I was supposed to be gaining weight. This had come up at the beginning of the week (or maybe last week?) and I explained that that was not what my doctor had said. I told him this time that I'd double checked with my doc and my weight was fine. My T had been right about taking my doc's recommendation that I get "minimum 1200 calories, ideally twice that" literally meant 2,400. My doc said ideally 2,500 when I asked, but that >2000 is fine.
My T seemed kind of surprised about my doc not saying I should gain weight. He's asked what the number was when I talked about my feelings about the number on the scale, but I guess he doesn't know my height or BMI charts off the top of his head? My BMI is fine though.

He said the thought had occurred to him while shaving this morning wondering whether the cruel things I say to myself are things my father said when he was doing his rage thing (not quite how my T put it, and his (accurate) description made me flinch). I gave him the real answer about there being some overlap, but it having a lot more to do with the stuff with my mom.
I didn't comment on the fact that he said he'd been thinking about me that morning. It's definitely something that's going to be on my mind. Idk whether to bring it up next time.

Possible trigger:

we talked about my weight in high school. He knew some factual stuff about it, but I really really hate talking about it and mostly avoid the subject. I told him about some bullying from that time and some stuff my mom said. Saying those things made me want to hide in shame (and I kind of was, because I did the thing I do a lot where I curl up tighter and look away and hide my face)

I also told him that it was when the ED started that the truly cruel thoughts towards myself really started. And how I'd never even tried to lose weight in a healthy way, it was a complete 180. We talked about why that was and what was going on that led to that. That I'd just been sad up until that point, but then it was sadness + self loathing.
He tried to get me to be understanding and compassionate towards myself from that time, to understand that I'd been really sad and using food for comfort. But it's really really emotionally difficult for me to do that. These conversations make me so uncomfortable. Like even discussing me eating makes me feel ashamed and disgusting.