Hi Neriz --

It's obvious that your story evoked memories and feelings of kinship and empathy for many of us. I think we can safely say as well that for each of us who responds with a post, there were 5-10 others who also know that they are in the same boat, but were too deeply in their own pain to post . . . or didn't have time . . . or didn't know what to say . . . but they did "feel your pain." As the cliche goes.

I hope that knowing that there are people out there who understand is comforting.

((((((((((((((((((((Neriz)))))))))))))))))))))))

I agree with those who say that posting this message can be a turning point for you . . .

<font color="blue">Life is a journey, not a destination.</font> Geez, I'm just loaded with cliches this morning, aren't I.

But let's take a moment and examine that worn-out old phrase more deeply.

How do we start a journey? The first thing we have to do is <font color="blue">know where we are.</font> We cannot get to where we want to be/go, if we do not know where we are when we start.

As others have pointed out, now that you are aware that you are someplace that you don't like being -- you can start to consider your options for getting out.

Will it be easy? Probably not. Will it be enjoyable? Maybe sometimes, when you experience the exhilaration of progress. At others, you may have to confront things that you'd rather not. Want another cliche? <font color="blue">No pain, no gain.</font>

One thing I've read -- and that I know from 19 years as an escape artist deep into my tequila and wine and, um, other ummentionable stuff -- we depressives are not very good at a little thing called <font color="blue">delayed gratification.</font>

We are often in such pain that we will do anything, so long as it relieves that pain in the NOW, even when we <font color="blue">know</font> that in the morning we will be puking our guts out, or so sick we can't walk, or hating ourselves, or all of the above and more.

Within the past few months, I was finally put on an antidepressant schedule that works for me -- I say schedule because part of the plan is taking a med that works 2ce a day instead of once (the usual schedule) to minimize side effects. It took a couple of years -- during which time I was often in severe depression -- to find the right med. Delayed gratification. Gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when you are sure that you can't breathe, no less take another step.

And I've had years and years of counseling. And I've switched from self-medicating with booze etc. to prayer (not everyone's cup of tea or shot glass of tequila, I know). And I came to the forums, and people showed me love and support. And I found some people like that in 3D. And things are better.

They can get better for you, too, Neriz.

I hope this is the start of a new life for you.