Ian,
I think you expressed yourself very well. I think it was really good that you explained what you needed from her and why. I am really impressed with your writing skills and being able to put thoughts down like that.
It's way cool that Jonny gave you some ideas of what you can do to occupy your time. He sounds like a good friend. If you did something like the roof thing then you would have something to do and make a little money. I know that would make you feel better. Writing articles that you mentioned about human rights sounds very interesting and if you can do that then please do!! How fulfilling that would be for you.
That revelation you had about God and how things were just to amazing to not have been "created". I have the exact same thoughts. It's so sad that people forget to look around and see the little things. There is so much amazing, simple beauty.
I believe in God myself but I don't know anyone who believes like I do. I don't believe in organized religion. I think the church in most of the christian religions has made a mockery of God. (I do apologize if I offend anyone, I am just stating my personal belief)
I believe that a relationship is between God and each person and you don't need to go to church or stand and sit or sing a hymn that you are told to or repeat just what the preacher says. It should be more personal. I wish you all the best in your search for what you believe.
Geez, it's getting long but I just wanted you to know that I am glad you shared this and the more I have been getting to know you the past few days the more I like ya!!!
Heidu

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has a Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has a Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."