Quote:
Originally Posted by Bowdent
I may be in the minority here, but I am not a big fan of the love languages idea. This is probably because I felt that the concept was used as an emotional abuse tool against me. My attempts to show love for my wife were constantly invalidated, and I could never seem to figure out what her love language was. She would constantly tell me she didn’t feel loved, and I would try to explain that I had done this or that that she told me was her love language. She would respond by saying that I was just doing those things to appease her, and that despite my actions she still felt that unloved. I finally have realized after many, many years that her love language seems to be clear, and demonstrable emotional control. She said she has felt the most loved at the times when I felt at my absolute lowest, groveling and begging in apologetic submission for not being able to understand her love language. She feels most loved, when I clearly appear the most broken.
So, if you have a hard time trying to clearly find someone’s love language, and you feel constantly like a failure as a spouse, be careful of the love languages being used as an abusive tool.
I’m not stating that they are globally bad, but in my life they have been used to crush my spirit
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It's understandable that you have a negative reaction to the concept but I would say that it's not the concept that is bad in your situation or that it is particularly prone for abuse, since it's just a description of how to interpret other's expectations, it's neither bad nor good but the fact is that when you are with someone that is emotionally abusive or otherwise dysfuncitonal they can and will use whatever tools or concepts that they have at their disposal to skew, twist and otherwise manipulate. So it just happens in your situation that it is the concept of the 5 love languages but the core problem was that you were with someone abusive and manipulative.
I hope that makes sense.