Trigger warning for possible ED/self harm/ etc type things.

I’m here again. It’s 1am. I’m exhausted and probably don’t make sense. Today (technically yesterday) was my birthday. The night before my best friend sat me down to tell me that she’s been lying to me about something the last year.

To give a little context. We are closer than you could imagine. We spend almost all our time together. We know everything about each other and we’ve never fought just debated haha. I thought I knew everything. Till she admitted to me about some bad things she got herself caught up in. This seems like small. But it’s a life changing thing for her. And it has hurt me greatly. Talking to her I wasn’t too concerned with how it affected me I just wanted to encourage her and comfort her as she goes through this.

However, when I got home the heaviness I’d what has happened but me. I felt so much grief... almost like mourning.. I’m so hurt for her lying to me for a year. I’m so hurt about what’s happened to her. I’m angry at those who have wronged her. I’m shocked I didn’t know. All today I just wanted to feel normal. Every hour, i’d Have a moment where I’d forget and then remember and end up holding back tears. When I think of it I just want to cry nonstop. I feel like the world has hit pause. I’m happy to know the truth and to try to help her and move forward... but I feel like a loss of trust and just this hurt for her. It’s so... complicated and I can’t even pinpoint why I feel this way I just took in a mass of info and the world is not what I thought it was and hasn’t been for a year.

I haven’t cut in 7 years. Which seemed impossible to me back when I couldn’t go even a month or few weeks. It’s a massive amount of time. Yet it’s on my mind. And I wonder why. And I think it’s because there’s nothing I can do about this horrible thing that’s happened. I can’t take her pain, I can only feel it. And that drives me nuts. There’s nothing to do but feel it, as I don’t want to. My mind wanders to try to find anything. And I’m aware it’s doing that. And I just want something. I know time will heal this. But... like right now it’s so fresh and so close. I want to sprint from it anyway I can. But I also know doing anything bad would hurt her and that’s the last thing I ant to do is cause her more pain. This is so weird. I don’t even know what I’m talking about. I have felt so stable for so long but today my emotions have just made me physically ill. I don’t have control over them right now. I think maybe not eating tomorrow will be the answer and make me feel better. And I know that’s not right. I’m not thinking clearly. If I do anything bad it will literally jut makes ethos whole situation worse and then hurt those around me.... yet I feel trapped in this pain of my friend and pain of the whole thing.