Thanks for the reply Junerain. It's always nice to know that I'm not alone in this hell. Although, it would be nicer if no one had to experience it at all.....ahhh, in a perfect world....

The truth is...I'm done with doctors. No help to me at all. I've learned to be able to manage bi-polar without them and the hideous meds. The side-effects of those blasted pills are far worse for me than the ups and downs of bi-polar. Every now and again, everything comes into some kind of balance and normalcy and I have a momentary reprieve. With the meds....there's never a reprieve. I'm not advising this for others, but I've been battling this thing for 22 years, I was diagnosed 9 years ago, did a variety of meds for 6 years...some made me worse, others made me feel so awful I couldn't function...and still others caused me to lose my sense of self so deeply that it just made life not worth living. And I've been to more therapists and doctors than I can count. So here I am, taking it a day at a time, doing the things that I know work for me to be able to continue to function in day to day life without allowing this disorder to completely ruin me and my life.

It was exactly one year ago this month my beloved sister, also bi-polar, put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger. So I am in no way immune to what this disorder can do if left unchecked.

Finding places like this and people like you are a huge help in the coping process. Excercise is a very important tool for me to stay balanced. Expressing myself is THE most important way that I'm able to manage myself. I do keep a journal, I have since I was very young, and I keep it with me at all times. I write down pretty much everything...and I write it with great passion as passion is one of the great gifts of bi-polar disorder.

Penny