The email I sent early Friday morning:
"Dear Dr. T,
I've had some breakthroughs since session. You're telling me you're not going anywhere, we'll work through any conflicts. And I have so much trouble accepting that. It terrifies me. So I keep doubting or questioning you, debating leaving, etc. It's like I think, obviously there must be something wrong with you if you can accept me like that. I'm certainly not an easy client. I keep thinking, even though I'm paying you, why the hell would you want to deal with me? (Why would *anyone* want to deal with me?)

So I leave session and I go to the [local taphouse] and have a couple beers because your care and acceptance and validation feels good, but I don't feel worthy of it. I try to push away the feelings. I've realized that I often seem to drink more after what I'd consider a good session because I don't know how to process/handle those positive feelings. And because they often seem followed by negative ones. Like, why can't I just sit with and accept and feel the positive feelings? What keeps me from doing that? Why do they scare me so much?

So how do I become less afraid? How do I feel more worthy? Not just of your care (or that of others), but of my own self-care and self-value and self-love? I want to stop running away. I want to stop the pushing and pulling and testing and questioning (of you, of others, of myself) and just...be. I want to stop self-medicating away or otherwise running away from both good and bad feelings. But how do I do that when I'm so afraid? Help?

Charge accepted if you opt for longer reply (or if I'm at red).
--LT"
T, a few minutes later (apparently I sent it when he happened to be looking at email):
"Hi LT,
Goodness, that's quite a lot of deep thinking and some great insights! I really don't think it's something I could effectively reply to via email even with charging for the time. If you wanted to, I could see you this afternoon or we can start with this straight away at our meeting Monday. Trust is difficult, particularly when it's been something that's eluded a person for a long time (or forever). But there is most certainly hope and growth possible, and I'm confident you can make progress.

Thanks for sharing, and you're not in the red. I'd give you a yellow. Let me know if you'd like to meet (it would be at 1pm) or wait until Monday.
Sincerely,
T"