I started crying in my sleep. We all have those days. You wake up because you were crying for whatever reason. Last night was different. I kept falling asleep and kept crying because I knew that I would never have a baby. I thought that I accepted it and was moving on, but clearly it’s not the case. It’s hard to express the pain that I feel every day. My brother and brother in law just had new borns. I love them, but every time I’m done visiting I feel so sad. It’s hard to breathe!
There is nothing I can do to change that. I will never have a kid that would look like me, have my dna and would mean the world to me. NEVER. No matter what I do. My only option is someone else’s children. I regret every decision I made in my life that led me this place. I can’t find a reason to live. Maybe I’m selfish, but I was thinking and taking care of other people’s needs my entire life and now is too late to think about mine. I feel rage, I’m angry that there is no miracle that can help me. No one can help me. I feel helpless. I don’t know how to get out of this tail spin.