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Originally Posted by Anne2.0
It seems to me that this "particular reaction" that you're hoping for is thematic with you. You've said it most recently about sending the song link (hoping he'd say "thanks") several posts back. Maybe when you are upset with him, it's because he says something that doesn't jive with what you want in return.
Like una, I think therapy isn't really an appropriate place for this kind of balance, unlike a romantic relationship. But what would it mean if your expectations are that he would react to you like a romantic partner, which is the implication of following a particular model of marriage counseling.
I think your desire for change is very palpable from reading your session. I think that is so critical to making the changes you want and it's an exciting time for you. I wonder if your need for a "particular reaction" is something that might hold you back, because I don't think relationships work well or deeply when one partner has to conform to the expectations of "particular reactions" of the others. In my past I think that I could have a relationship with my own expectations and be consistently disappointed, or I could have a relationship with a person who has real and honest reactions to me and who also makes an effort to give me what I need when I can clearly articulate it and when they feel that's something they can do. To me real communication is a back and forth dialog. It was probably the place where I learned that not getting the reaction I wanted was okay, and understanding what I wanted and why I wanted it was more important than actually getting it.
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You make some good points here, and I know you (and I think others) have talked about my expectation of certain responses from people (T and others) before and how I can feel hurt or disappointed if I don't get what I'm looking for. The whole "Thanks" thing is really that he's never not replied to an email from me before that says something beyond "thanks" like for his response. (As in, I email him, he replies, I reply with "thanks for the response"--I certainly don't expect a response to that.) But this had other content, so I think it's just a case where it's a change in his pattern, which concerns me (see: hypervigilance). It's entirely possible that he glanced at it when I sent it, intended to send some brief reply later, then got busy and it just slipped his mind. And then he saw it today and figured he'd be seeing me and we could just discuss it then if I wanted. Or he may have figured it wasn't a big deal at all. Which, as I said, on the surface, it wasn't.
I think I'm getting better at dealing with not getting the reaction I want from people, including T--especially because he frequently doesn't give me the reaction I'd want or expect. But I think it's when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, like after Friday's session, that it bothers me more and makes it more difficult to deal with. Because it triggers stuff like rejection and abandonment fears. It may seem sort of ridiculous that the lack of a one-word reply can trigger stuff like that. But it's not about the word. Maybe it's more about...being seen and heard? Still being accepted after I poured my heart out and sobbed in front of him (I mean, I often cry in front of him, but this was pretty intense, like, crying so hard I can't talk)? I suppose these are things I can address today. Like how to better deal with not getting responses I want when I'm feeling vulnerable. (And it probably didn't occur to him that I'm feeling vulnerable, because it's not like I said it in the email. Ex-MC would have just known that though--maybe that's part of what's hard here...)