I wanna start by saying: I don't blame any of my alters for what they did to help Outside Jacq to survive.

I've noticed that many of the very strong attractions I have, has its roots in very bad (TM) things. For example, I used to be very interested in being a Furry - a cat to be specific, but I worked out that this came from an extremely abusive role-play I was forced to take part in as a young kid. As soon as I put the pieces together, my attraction disappeared immediately.

The attractions come in all shapes and sizes - I was obsessed with buying some clothing with black and white chequer-board pattern. I've seen it on a lot of clothing in the past few years. But I worked out yesterday that it is the same pattern of floor tiles in a house I was taken to, where one of my dad's abusive "friends" lived.

I'm glad my alters and I have put the pieces together, but I feel like I'm having to second-guess myself on things I'm attracted to. There's one thing in particular that is a very sexual attraction, but we think it feeds into one of the worst abusive episodes we went through.

My therapist once told me that fear and arousal can often get confused. I understand that, but I still feel a bit sick that this is where my mind takes me. I don't want to be abused again. I don't want to turn something that happened to me into something I desire. I honestly don't know how to deal with it. Is it possible to unravel all the parts of me that came from the abuse? Is it worth even trying?