Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0
I don't characterize this pretty complex issue as that you have to learn to deal with not getting the reactions you want. I think that's pretty simple and brings to mind a toddler in the grocery store learning that a tantrum for a chocolate bar is not going to happen. I do think that's a piece of it, and also learning not to punish people for not giving you the reactions you want, or responding otherwise in anger.
I think the deeper issue is understanding the expectations you have and why you have them, what they mean for you, and how your expectations shape your communication and the nature of your relationships. I think it's tied to your focus on your T or the other person in the relationship, maybe keeps you stuck in this focus, and turned away from what is in your heart and mind. I don't mean to knock you over the head with this, just saying what it seems like from this side of the computer screen.
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I think there are some good observations here, and I also think this kind of approach comes from a very logical, adult, left brain kind of mindset. I have my own pattern of attaching to certain kinds of people, and it's so clearly rooted in childhood stuff that it might as well light up in giant neon letters every time it happens (which is embarrassingly often!).
That drive to keep trying to get your needs met can't be thought away with logic. My T would definitely have responded to the YouTube link email, and if she had forgotten, we could talk in depth about why I was upset about it, without her telling me that I was being unreasonable or that other people in my life wouldn't appreciate me being upset (because I wouldn't be upset with other people in that circumstance!). We just had a long talk today about how upset I was that she wasn't there for me in session while she was out sick, even though we did talk on the phone. There was no shaming for the child-like feelings, and there was no exasperated sense from her that I want things she can't provide. I ask for things, she provides what she can within her own boundaries/limits, and we can process any discrepancies together without her telling me that my feelings are wrong.
I think the key for me is getting the needs met in a really consistent way while also using my adult intellect to process how unsettling it is for the child-like needs to actually get met. Then I can fully understand the childhood deprivation and my worthiness (that I should have gotten things I didn't) in order to grieve and make sense of things from an emotional standpoint. Otherwise I'm just trying yet again to wallpaper over the gaping emptiness. The real trick is in the integration of the feelings from the past with the thoughts of today.
Disclaimer: I fully recognize that this approach isn't for everybody, but it seems to me to finally be a path toward deep, meaningful change now that I am willing to put in a ton of work and have a really dedicated T. I'll update in about three years if this doesn't actually work, though.