Perhaps a trigger warning: there may be general discussion of Judeo-Christian perspective on religion because it was talked about in T session.
Went to my appointment on Friday. T came and got me pretty quickly. We walked back to her office. I was self-conscious as always because she was walking behind me. I always wonder what they are thinking about, or what if I trip and fall right now. Stuff like that. We got to her office, I handed her the paper from the front desk which she has to fill out some part of and return to them.
She started out by asking me how work was going since my boss is on medical leave. I told her how it was going. Then we started talking about SH.
Then we talked about what it was like having the stitches and getting the stitches taken out. I talked about how I missed not really being able to take care of the wound because it was basically like nothing I could do for it. So I just put neosporin on it and a bandage. But taking care of the wound is really important. It's part of the SH. It's the self-comforting, self-soothing part. It is a comforting part and I missed that this time. I told her that I had taken a warm bath with candles as a way to comfort and self-soothe. It had helped.
She asked me to think of ways I could take care of myself on a regular basis that didn't just occur after I SH. Some stuff that I could do at home and some stuff that I could do if I was away from home. I haven't really been able to think of much of anything yet, but I am considering it. She said that may help with the need to self-soothe and self-comfort.
We talked about my depression. She said she guesses deep down I'm angry with my Mom. I insisted that I don't feel angry. She said, "Yes, but depression is anger turned inward." I conceded that I do have a lot of depression. We talked about how it was growing up and how my Mom really did do better than her parents and really did try to be a good Mom but how she fell short and because of her own MI issues, left me with some pretty big internal scars.
At some point, T was taking notes. I asked her if she was writing anything bad about me. Yes I was feeling paranoid. T said, "How could I write anything bad about you. You aren't bad. You don't do anything bad." So she read me what she had written which was basically a recap of what we had been talking about. She said it is for her to remember from session to session what we talked about.
She said, this feeling of bad is very pervasive in you. Where does it come from? I said I didn't know. It's just there inside me. It's innate. She knows my religious preference so we started talking about that. She said that SH doesn't let any bad out because there is no bad there to begin with. I disagreed. She said, doesn't God forgive you? Hasn't Jesus forgiven you? I couldn't disagree with that. So we talked for a while about my religion and what I believe and how it is at odds with how I feel. So then I think she did some CBT because she said, logically I don't think you think you are bad (wrong, I do.) But you feel bad. (Yes, I do.) But you have been forgiven by God and washed clean and so you have no bad in you. (Crap. It's hard to argue with that.) We discussed this for a bit. And I don't think she is the same religion as me, which is totally fine but she does have a lot of understanding of my religion, and my faith. I was surprised at that really. So then I told her I would have to think about that.
I've been thinking of that. I think, yes I am bad, but I am also forgiven. It has given me a sense of peace that I don't usually have. It's hard to argue when someone is using the tenets of your faith in their argument.
She asked me to read what I had journalled. I told her I had already told her about it but I read it anyway. I had only journalled twice. She told me to keep at it, that I am good at expressing my feelings in writing. I said, Yeah, I'm not that good at expressing them out loud, she disagreed and said that I am good at it out loud too. She told me that I'm not bad and that I'm a smart girl. And that was basically it. I'll see her again in a couple of weeks. HUGS Kit.
P.S. Comments about my session are okay but please no debate about my religious beliefs and whether or not they are right or wrong. Thanks!