The best advice I can give you at this point is...

You've given me a very good picture of her and her thinking, so my suggestion is not to overload her...especially based on her history (which, btw, explains alot to me). I think what started out in her life as "deal with your own problems quietly" turned into the denial that she's so gifted at in this...a gift she didn't ask for.

A big clue you gave me was how you said she responds to different things in life. People generally relate to, and treat, others as they want to be treated. So, how do you predict she would address this with you? Maybe start there?

That's one reason I would say not to give her too much information...stick with basic facts, stay calm, don't accuse, and mostly don't invade that personal space that she apparently holds dear. Stick with facts on how it's interfering in the marriage and making you feel (using "I statements).

I wouldn't demand to know her personal thoughts, the "feel-good" she gets from it, etc. Honestly, she might not have answers for those. I'm being serious.

Then afterwards, can you plan a getaway with her...just the two of you?

Please let us know how it goes. I wish you very well. Private message me if you want.

KD