Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
First of all, take some deep breaths and try to remain calm about what you are beginning to suspect. It's very possible that your wife was slowly trying to isolate you from your family and friends without your realizing it. People who are controlling do look to find ways to isolate their partner, it can happen so gradually that, as you mentioned you don't realize what's happening. After all, this is your wife, someone you WANTED in your life to love and have a partnership with, how would you suspect she was slowly finding ways to distance you from your own family and friends? Often when someone uses gaslighting methods, the person they are manipulating has no idea that's what is taking place. Also, just so you know, often individuals who are trying to isolate someone also convince that person THEY are the one that is sick, so it's not surprising she has picked out some kind of disorder she begins to convince you that you have.
It's very important that you find ways to see a therapist without your wife knowing too. She really seems to get VERY nervous about the fact that you have finally reached out for help, she clearly sees that as a threat to her control. Also, you don't have to share what you talk about in therapy, all you have to do is say that you just want to learn how to better manage your depression so you are "there" more for her. This will put her at ease while you work on getting to the bottom of the REAL problem you are having.
Try to keep in mind that people who want "all the control" will find ways to fault anyone they feel threatens their control. They tend to find ways to get you to disconnect with family and friends, and you are NOW slowly realizing that your disconnect with your family and friends were brought on by things she told you about them that were lies. This is definitely a red flag. You will have to take steps to keep her thinking she has all the control until you get to the bottom and find out the "truth".
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Thank you so much for this. You're words are greatly comforting, mostly because I feel like you truly believe me, and seem to know how I feel. I don't know how, but I get the feeling you get it. My concern right now is that I'm looking too hard for deceptive behavior. I don't want to fall into the trap of "you'll find what your looking for." Yet it is so difficult, actually impossible, to remain completely objective. It feels very uncomfortable to not just try and express exactly how I'm feeling. I don't want to feel like I am doing the same things to her that I think she is doing to me, but I don't know any other way to protect myself from her attempts to hurt me. I am terrified that she will accuse me of doing the same thing as she has done, and now we are "even" so we can start fresh.
My first visit with the new therapist was this past Friday when this discussion took place and I saw this behavior. I have a weekly standing appointment with the new therapist now. The therapist suggested that I ask my wife if she thought therapy might be helpful for her, and so I asked her. My wife responded that she had been to one before and didn't like them. The only therapist she had thought about maybe seeing was the one that I decided to start seeing, so now she can't really because this therapist doesn't do couples therapy. So in her mind I took away the only therapist option for her.
It's so painful to look at her differently, like she seems like a totally different person now. Looking at her all actions as potentially manipulative is not a pleasant place to be.
Again, thank you for your words of encouragement, it means so much to me.