Had my session with baby T. It was ok. He talks to much sometimes, not about nonsense like T but like just rambles on about topics at hand. I'm too polite and quiet to really say anything and plus I don't wanna be there anyway. I told him that today, how I hate going there, and telling him things that only T should know.

I had my trigger list and a list of my regrets, he was glad I did and we went through some of them. Wasn't helpful really. Just asked me things like how I'd have felt if I had done the things on my regret list... like how would I know? I also knew the trigger thing would just lead to coping skills. Which he for some reason brought out a white board?? He wrote the coping skills I could use on there and then erased it, I'm already used to them with my dog. I didn't really need to go over them.

He did suggest trying to keep track for a few days of my triggers and how I feel at the moment. Also trying to focus more on the positive things. He called it positive psychology. Like how I said I'm sick of winter and it's so depressing. He said, that thinking of things like snow is pretty and how it doesn't last forever etc can help. Idk. I just wasn't feeling it tonight.

One of the thing on my regret list was how I never said anything to T when he looked back as he walked away and he kinda had me talk a bit more about it and I said "Well I could have told him I loved him then, I had a second chance but instead I stood there like an idiot" and he's like "Redirection, you stood there like a person." That was interesting I guess.

He did say that the intake info is on file there for 5 years so it wouldn't need to be done if I take a long break and return and he liked my idea of coming back around the 2 year mark with T and talk about what to potentially say if I still plan to connect him and talk about the possible outcomes and how I could handle them etc. He said even if he isn't working there, I could go back.

Was just a so so session. I think I was just not into going tonight. I never made a next appointment on my way out, I'll have to call one in. I'm debating if I should try a second one this week and try to get more things out there or if I should wait until next Thur. or even 2 weeks. It's so hard because I care about him 0% and I don't like going, I'm only going because I'm hoping it can help me change my mindset and help me manage this all better going forward.

I also think he was kind of tired, last session of the day, really dark out and he yawed a few times and kept losing his train of thought, said he had a busy day. So maybe 7pm with him is a terrible time.

I forgot to add, we talked more about T stuff and I brought up something I can't say here and he was a bit confused at first and then I explained and he asked me "IF you had not been a therapy client, do you think you have acted differently then?" I said yes. Then the next few sentences he referred to things as "our friendship" and I said, sometimes I wonder if he was only nice out of pity. He didn't really comment on that, but did say.... "You say that friendship type thing was what you needed to get through losing your dog, but did you ever consider, he needed that too after the divorce and found it in a way with you?" I said ya but he isn't supposed to do that type of stuff and he said "It doesn't matter what he isn't supposed to do, it matters what he did and how you felt about it all. It seems to me that it was more helpful than anything. I was just saying that maybe you helped him in ways you didn't realize. Maybe it was a friendship" I find it interesting how he refers to it like that so often and doesn't lecture about how things were with us. I probably will end up sharing alot of things I typically don't with people about us... I feel like the more I share, and the more he seems to get it, the more I feel like it wasn't in my head and it helps me feel better about how I am reacting.
He also asked me what reaction I expected if I had said I loved him after the final hug. I said none whatsoever, it was more about something I wanted to do for me.

He also asked how I'd feel if I did delete all our texts. I was like omg, no I can't. I'd regret it so much. He asked what keeping them did for me. I explained its comforting and he said, how so and I said, Idk, I haven't read them since lol... but I hope in the future to look back and laugh and find some comfort from them.