I'm wondering if maybe this is all coming up like this because it means you're ready to go back to marriage counseling. That's a place where I think everybody would agree that you can focus on the relationship to your heart's content. I haven't done marriage counseling, but my sense from the way ex-MC made a bit of a mess of things is that you haven't really done marriage counseling yet either. (I hope that doesn't sound harsh.)

Somewhat relatedly, I have been reading Getting the Love You Want: A Guide For Couples, which is written by the guy who came up with Imago Relationship Therapy. It is very psychodynamic in places (a little too far at times, in my view), but you might like it because you seem interested in how childhood stuff rears its head in our adult relationships. I am enjoying the ideas and trying to spot ways that my past interacts with the dynamics in my marriage.