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Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
I'm wondering if maybe this is all coming up like this because it means you're ready to go back to marriage counseling. That's a place where I think everybody would agree that you can focus on the relationship to your heart's content. I haven't done marriage counseling, but my sense from the way ex-MC made a bit of a mess of things is that you haven't really done marriage counseling yet either. (I hope that doesn't sound harsh.)
Somewhat relatedly, I have been reading Getting the Love You Want: A Guide For Couples, which is written by the guy who came up with Imago Relationship Therapy. It is very psychodynamic in places (a little too far at times, in my view), but you might like it because you seem interested in how childhood stuff rears its head in our adult relationships. I am enjoying the ideas and trying to spot ways that my past interacts with the dynamics in my marriage.
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Thanks, EM--it's possible re: marriage counseling. And I wonder sometimes if we did true marriage counseling either. Especially hearing ex-T and current T talk about the ways they do marriage counseling (current T lists some of his training in it on his website). Which seems very different from ex-MC. It seemed like ex-MC was trying to do some weird form of psychodynamic marriage counseling. And much of it ended up centering on me because I was much more open about my self and past than H. And then of course the transference stuff...but even if that hadn't happened, I'm not sure how much progress we would have made.
However, I wonder at times if it was partly due to H not being as willing to open up. It took going for a few months, stopping, then returning and I think telling ex-MC to push us more (maybe ex-T told him, at my request?) until H came up with any bigger complaint about me than "she leaves tissues on the couch." And he never shared much about his past or childhood. And ex-MC never really delved much into his anger issues, acting like I was the one who needed to deal with it--OK, that was clearly a failing of ex-MC. Please note--this is not all about my trying to excuse ex-MC--I think I'm just wondering how effective marriage counseling with anyone will be if my H doesn't want to be as open as I am. I do wonder what it would have been like if we'd seen current T as a marriage counselor (obviously not an option now)--because he can be so blunt and can ask very direct questions, I'm curious as to how H would have interacted with him. If he'd have shared more or just shut down more.
Funny you mention the Getting the Love You Want--T had recommended that to me a while back, so I own it--maybe I should dig it out again. He actually used one of the Imago exercises with me--where I respond to all these questions about my childhood, then he sort of filled it in, Mad Libs style, to show what I was looking for in a partner. Or something like that. In marriage counseling, both people would do it, then discuss the answers. But it was helpful discussing my answers with T, as it gave me some insight into myself. Ex-MC NEVER did any sort of exercise like that. The few times he gave homework, it was like "Have a fight" (literally). Or once when he had me deal with anxiety by warning H, then hitting him (gently) in the arm (seriously), like as a way to get my anxiety out and kind of joke about it.