From what I have read, you are not crazy. You can fix your problems. Not all at once, one at a time. You have a lot of insight. Have you considered seeing a therapist? I know you have been to the hospital, but that is a different beast. A therapist can help you organize the mess you know about, and help you find and organize the messes you have not yet become aware of.

Are you are an adult now in Canadian law? You may be able to get public assistance for food, housing, and treatment while you get it together on your own. Your parents pay taxes. Think of it as getting some of it back in time of need. That is what it is there for.

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I have to say something so other reading what I have said about my relationship with my wandering son does not make me look like a scoundrel. I have 2 sons. The older is a "model" citizen. He has a college degree, and engineering job, and a wonderful wife. He worked his butt off to get the degree and job. The younger is a genius, without a doubt very high iq. He has deliberately and willfully taken the hard road. He knowingly refuses to look beyond the moments pleasure and plan for the future. He wants every day to be a surprise, good or bad. Today he is wandering Tokyo hoping to make a few yuen to pay for the day's expenses.

As much as I admire, even envy, my younger son's zen-like spirit and wanderlust, I would and do hold back financial support. I would be much more willing to loan or give money to my engineer son. Why? Because he has made considerable sacrifices to get what he has. He has been willing to work really hard. My younger son, with no good reason like mental illness, has chosen to do very little for himself. He just does what comes naturally to him, and relies instead on others to reward him from time to time for his playing music on the street. He does not work hard at all. He has been extraordinarily lucky so far. Some day, though, that luck will run out. My older son, as I do, has a backup plan for bad luck. My younger son's backup plan is mom and dad will hand me something. His willful lack of planning and thinking ahead are going to have a bad outcome someday. I love him dearly, and will probably do something to help, but it will be with some negative feelings.

So I am a "bad" parent to one and a "good" parent to the other? I don't know. I love them both equally and immensly. You who tell me of your parents love expressed by giving you everything make me doubt myself. My own parents would give up much more than I am willing to give up. Maybe it is because my parents have always had considerably more money than I have. My wife and I raised our family in a tiny, old house, bought clothes at thrift stores, bought the cheapest food, and drove 15 year old plus cars. Only now that our children are gone do we have enough money to wear new clothes, take a few trips and eat better food (the rest of the stuff remains the same). I feel like we earned a better life. My younger son is living like he earned a better life, but he has not, and I resent giving up what I have earned to let him do what I want to do. I would love to be on endless overseas vacation. It is not going to happen until I can afford it, if ever.

Blather mode off. Just had to get that out. Comments?

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are