s

I am sorry for everyone struggling but also glad to read some having triumphs.


thanks Christina and everyone, I am sorry too.

I am probably my worst enemy with being hard on myself. Always have to make the appearance of put together, and I am failing at it.. I am losing my grip a bit.


I see the gen doc on Thursday to talk about more scans, going to see GI doc later in the month..

been trying to slowly change things in my diet ... I have not started to smoke again, which I think is crucial right now...


I am afraid about adding any drugs with not knowing what is wrong with me right now... but I do need to find someone.. which may just add stress if they are not a right fit.. but I don't know.


I had a rather rough day,

Some thing happened at work, again- this time nothing to do with my dept. people, but the company.


I cried at work - twice in front of a good coworker friend- I got very upset one of the two times-- I did my "crying so horribly to my maniacal laughing at times" I have done this for many years, may be my whole life if I think on it.. I know in my twenties it became more of a realization. today scared me as I felt like I needed to flee.. I've rarely have had that, and it may have been due to I was at work. I feel like I am having a break down almost.


It's very rapid and I do not feel I have any control over it.

My thoughts today have been ranged of sui/hom, raging/peaceful, from hopeful to dread, hopeless to hopeful... I been "go get 'em" to "i just want to lay here and curl up and die"... all I know is that I have another day tomorrow and hopefully it goes better.


I left work early due to just did not feel ok enough to be around people and also the apt manager wanted to talk; and I rather wanted to do this in person.


They are going to spray again next week. The infestation in the vacant apt is really bad after more inspection.


I did get complements on how well I cleaned and that the pest control personnel mentioned that : my clean up for him to do his job was one of the best he has seen... -guess neurotically cleaning can have it's benefits.


I am going to leave every thing packed up for now. I don't care. I will try best not to be chaotic with moving things out, unless I do get a storage unit (I have been known to just start moving things to a vehicle and drive around with them with not much purpose others understand but to me makes 100% sense).


My cat - it will be temporary.. he is upset, but I hate to move him back- then move him again, and keep doing this to him. My ex is willing to take him in for the time, but also worries that cat may be happier at home, even if we have to move him out again.. I just don't know right now.


I just know, that I have some things that I Can use to keep me going, or at least that I believe.


this all adds to - I have self medicated all this time.. and I am in need of help I guess. .. and I hate, that not too long ago, I realized this then went back to "I am fine, nothing is wrong with me".