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Originally Posted by SilverTrees
Hello CoolBlue, I am sorry you're having a tough time. First, you don't need to feel guilty because there are no wrong feelings! You're a human! We all have all sorts of complex emotions at times.
If you feel jealous, then you feel jealous. All feelings are temporary...this jealousy will likely pass once you figure out what's driving it and can unpack that trigger. I'm not sure if it's so much about not having a baby boy or an easier labor. I am wondering if you are going through a form of grief about the end of a particular stage in your life...you are no longer becoming pregnant and bringing infants into the world. Perhaps that realization is hitting some deep note within you? About your identity? Your place in the world? I don't know you...just trying to help you troubleshoot some ideas here.
Have you ever spoken with a therapist about these feelings? I think that could be really helpful. It does sound like you are dealing with some form of grief and a sense of loss. Those are tough and intense feelings but feelings can be worked on. And if you are feeling a level of trauma since your last labor, therapy could also help you to heal.
As for your discomfort and jealousy around the new mum and dad and their baby...maybe you can try this...if you step outside of your inner struggle for a few moments...try thinking of something you truly love about your brother and sister-in-law....anything at all...a thoughtful gift they gave you once...a fond memory from childhood with your brother...a great sense of humor...when you find something, even something small, focus on that when you go to meet the baby and congratulate them...in your mind just keep thinking about that trait you loved about them long before the baby arrived. That might help you to feel more relaxed or even smile for a little while so it's less awkward and you don't even need to be inwardly smiling about the baby if you see what I mean. If it's too painful for you, you have a right to take time away. That's going to be up to you.
Peace to you. I believe this is something you can work through.
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Thank you so much for the understanding reply. You have completely hit the nail on the head. I am grieving. Yes I do feel a loss about not having a boy. I am feeling traumatized by my labour/delivery. There’s many different factors that I feel sad about. I think the thing that scares me the most is that I feel like my purpose as a woman has ended. I’m done having kids so now what? Anyone can be a parent, and probably a better parent than I’m being right now. That joy and excitement of getting married, starting a family, etc is over. I have to go back to work in a couple months and it feels like a death sentence. Ugh. My perspective on life is so messed up right now. It’s hard to stay positive. Like I said it helps to hear from others who have been or are going through the same issues.