I’m in a slightly different place: I’ve been separated 1.5 years with divorce case winding down. I have sole custody of younger child (16); wife has custody of golden child (a year older).

I find it telling that your original post was a question because that’s what a manipulative abuser will do: twist everything around so you don’t know what’s real or true any more.

Here’s my fav 3 quotes from a book I just finished reading on this (Power by S. Arabi):

“Why would the same person who claimed to love and care for you hurt you—over and over without a hint of empathy or remorse?”

“This type of abuse is brimming with psychological mind games, touched with a dash of intermittent sweetness to keep the victim constantly teetering over the edge of uncertainty and self-doubt.”

“What was once the promise of a partnership becomes a twisted power play”

That setting of one child to be the policeman of the other is despicable: terrible for both kids and just designed to cause chaos and strife: because chaos is where the manipulator is most comfortable, and serenity, where people can think, is terrible. Luckily your son sounds like he’s very well aware of the situation—which is not pleasant, but it’s useful for him.

So sorry you’re going through this—it sounds miserable.