Today’s session was important. I wanted to talk to R about the forthcoming theatre visit, but I could barely get the words out. I started waffling about the sense of safety at work and had to shout the Critic down a couple of times. R eventually asked me a question.
‘Has something happened at work, Lost?’
‘No, something will be happening.’
I continued by asking whether she had ever visited Famous Local Theatre.
‘Yes, I have.’
‘I don’t know whether we had a chance to talk about my previous visit.’
‘I don’t recall.’
‘I spent most of it in a state trying to calm down. My boss kept asking whether I was OK, which must mean that I was showing signs of not being okay.’
I told R about how my legs and the rest of me began to shake when one of my colleagues stopped to admire the view.
‘I thought we had done it once and would not have to do it again. It turns out that the FLT part fund the work we do.’
‘And you have only just found this out?’

‘It was a revelation at the board meeting. One of my colleagues mentioned it to me, and I had great difficulty mentally staying in the room.’
I joked that I could add ‘Delivering a poetry workshop through a panic attack’ to my list of achievements, but it is not something I would like to do again.
‘I am feeling…let’s take that one. I am feeling anxious in this moment.’
‘You are feeling anxious?’
‘Last Friday I went to the doctor. Fear, guilt and shame.’
I mentioned that I was making a mountain out of a molehill, and R recognised that was the Critic. We talked about a cupboard, and R said there was a lot in there already. She asked whether the FLT stuff had been added to it ‘alongside the garden centre.’
‘You remember the garden centre?’
‘My memory is pretty good. When I sit with you, things come back to me.’
I talked about my growing frustration with the experience, and mentioned that even though Chris’ death was Hell, there was movement. R said she senses that I have pride in myself over how I dealt with Chris’ death.
‘There is an echo, which comes up at certain times of year, and that’s…maybe not as it should be, but that’s OK.’
With the other experience, I have never felt safe enough to feel it. R commented on there being a physical aspect to safety as well.
I mentioned that I was frustrated by re-experiencing the bathroom scene on a loop, but not being able to explain it to anybody.
‘When I am in the garden centre, there is a certain part I seek to avoid, because it is like a movie.’
‘It’s as though you are stuck watching the scariest horror movie ever.’

I mentioned that I don’t feel like I have talked about the moment of impact. ‘Some people could read that and be fine, but I was not.’
We will start there next session after a further discussion about the doctor’s appointment. I emphasised that I am going to need to maintain connection with her.
She said that she can tell I am scared, because I’ve kept these things locked away for a long time, but she can sense a determination in me.
‘January 2011 is the biggest thing in the cupboard. If I can deal with that, then maybe I can learn to advocate for myself.’

I've just realised that I didn't recount the most illuminating or amusing part. The illuminating part was when I sat with her and said 'I have difficulty extending the same compassion to myself that I extend to others.'

And 'Next week, maybe you won't need an interpreter.'

'That's the Critic talking...I understand you perfectly well. If I need an interpreter, I will let you know. You're not speaking another language. If you were, I'd have trouble, but I can ask for clarification if I don't understand.'