Hello Naenig: Thank you for sharing your concerns here on PC. You & I are a few years apart. (I'm 70!) But I can relate to much of what you wrote. I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

From what you wrote, it sounds as though social anxiety may be a problem for you along with depression. So here's a link to the social anxiety sub-forum just in case you haven't already found it:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/soci...ective-mutism/

Here are links to 3 articles by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. that cover the topics of depression & social anxiety. These articles provide links to additional articles on their subjects. Next are 2 of DocJohn's articles on the subject of suicide prevention. And lastly there's a link to an article that offers suggestions for how to survive suicidal thoughts:

Depression: Symptoms, Types & Treatments

Living with Depression: A Guide for Coping with Depressive Feelings

Social Anxiety Overview

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

https://psychcentral.com/blog/suicid...can-teach-you/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...idal-thoughts/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.