Currently, I'm having a rough time in my life. I don't like myself; I hate myself. I'm not sure what the root of the problem is, I struggle to make sense of my illness. Today, I feel totally crazy! Let's see if I can share what I'm talking about.

I have been dating someone since June let's call him cliff. We met when I was hanging out in a bar (went by myself; which I do often). He was w/a friend of his. We left the first place and I ended up talking with these two and left my car. After we left the second place, I was in no condition to drive so I went with them to the of the person I eventually started dating.

Once we got there, we drank more and the conversation was getting weird. While I don't think I'm a ***** (Hope I can use that word), I was getting the impression that these two thought I was by the things they were saying. I got made and walked out of the house not really knowing where I was going to go.

Cliff's friend, we'll call him Richard, ended up following me out of the house; by this time I was extremely drunk and I was crying. Richard was telling me lord knows what but I eventually came back inside, which I don't remember much after that point. The next morning I woke up with Richard. I felt horrible because I knew what I had done.

Cliff kept calling me after he knew what Richard and I had done. I had a one night stand. I did that because I was drunk, felt worthless and Richard told me what I wanted to hear and made me feel wanted.

Since that time in June, I have slept with an additional 4 people at least. I don't actually want to. . .but I guess it's my way of feeling wanted but not letting anyone close to me.

Cliff says he loves me. I just told him not too long ago that I had sex with someone else this past week.

Now I'm struggling for a point. I just can't determine what my issue is and why I do the things I do. I don't want to have sex with random people it just seems to happen. I guess I get caught up in the moment. These people have no clue as to who I am because I present myself so much differently than my life actually is.

I am a mess. My house is a mess and I'm really losing a grip. I find that I get angry and slam my head into things and hit myself in the head more frequently. Especially since my 'secrets' are getting ready to surface big time.

I think that if I were to truly be honest with someone about myself then no one would ever want to have a relationship with me. I don't let anyone have a relationship with me I guess.

I don't think that I'm a sex addict. I don't think about sex all the time. Cliff and I actually argue about sex. He wants it more than I do.

What the heck is my problem? Why can't I function like normal people. Grrr..... just venting. I just want to rid myself of all the guilt that plagues my life. I feel totally disgusting, less than human. Someone I would hate. .someone I would tell people not to associate with; how can I make things right again. How can I forgive myself?

I need help. . I need something. . . I'm on meds but it doesn't help. I'm overwhelmed and alone; alone because I isolate myself. There is not one person in the world who knows me truly. I lie and hide everything. I can't function like this anymore.

I'm ashamed. Even through this internet. . .I can't look anyone in the eye. I am not a good person.