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Originally Posted by aimlesshiker
I'm kind of in the same situation, although I must say, living in filth is pretty alarming. I'm feel for what you are going through and am happy you found somewhere to talk about your feelings!
Was he like this at the start of the relationship? Did he say he would try to get better or contribute more earlier on?
Perhaps it would be helpful to limit "screen time." This is a strategy my bf and I have recently talked about. He usually doesn't do much beyond tv and video games. But he's not addicted to them. He proposed having days where he only has one hour of "screen time," and the rest of the day can be used for hobbies, cleaning the house, etc. Do you think your bf would be interested in that?
The worst thing you can do while depressed is nothing. So at the very least, try to get him outside, have the sun on his face, ride a bike, read a book.
And, like you, I have anxieties myself. But it can be easy to "get stuck" taking care of someone else and not prioritize your own needs. It's the whole oxygen masks on the airplane metaphor: you have to put your own mask on before helping others. As you mention, you're stressed out as well, but your bf provides no help, and in fact, is making the situation worse. I particularly don't like how he treated you with the fencing. Not only did he end up injuring you physically, but also emotionally by making you feel bad for asking for help. Perhaps you need a break to figure things out and help yourselves first? I know it can be hard to ask, esp. if he's depressed, but ask yourself what YOU need right NOW. He should also be taking steps to help himself, like therapy, medication, exercise, diet, etc., too.
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Thank you aimlesshiker. Yes when we were dating and again when we moved in together, he was motivated. He promised to contribute. Even talked about getting a job. He was in a bad living situation before so he seemed eager to be in a stable home environment. But it seems like the more secure he felt, the worse he got.
He says I don’t have a right to tell him what he can or can’t do. So the screen time I think wouldn’t go over well. He told me I “nag” him about things like, oh— basic living. The coffee table is covered in his dishes and trash and if I even mention it, I’m a nag. He has gotten to the point he’s so lazy he actually... pees on the floor. Yeah. He “misses” the toilet and says I don’t understand since I’m not a man how it’s hard to aim. And like- ok. But maybe clean it up! But of course, that makes me a nag. He eats food and puts back empty boxes. Then when I go to make my lunch for work, I have no food. And again, if I say anything, I’m a nag.
It’s really frustrating. And he doesn’t see anything wrong. I love him dearly but I also can’t live in this mess. I had a boyfriend like this before— and that ended really badly. Depressed. Angry. Made me their enemy. And I’m trying not to compare the two but it’s starting to look like that situation.
I feel like it’s me. And of course I get blamed. That I’m too demanding. That I won’t let him live his life. Be his “own person”. But I feel like keeping a home clean, especially if you don’t have a job and do NOTHING around the house, isn’t asking too much? I mean- I have had to increase my medications and start seeing my therapist more regularly to handle this situation. But I’m still expected to clean and get groceries and be the positive one. Be the support system. But I really need one too.
I even started to self harm a few months back because I was so exhausted. I just didn’t feel like going on. And my boyfriend called me weak and told me I’m crazy. But of course, his actions are just acceptable because he is depressed.
Sorry I’m not trying to vent but I’m just so fed up. I hate the idea of punishing my boyfriend because of his depression but some of this feels like an excuse by his depression for his actions. I am depressed too. I have manic episodes. But I keep on going to work. Paying the bills. Holding down the fort. Why do I have to be that stability and he gets to avoid any of it?
I don’t want to compare depression or mental health but sometimes I feel like he dismissed my very real diagnosis of bipolar disorder because I am managing it (as best I can) and justifies his behavior due to depression that is unmanaged.