...someone who has lost the connection to his or her core self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling.... Problems of Codependents

There is no doubt I have this, and sadly, until my attempt and therapy, I was completely clueless how dominant (not) this tendency is in me. My mother meant well but was more authoritarian than I liked and I rebelled in a passive agressive way to her then left home, rarely returning after HS. I idealized my father but we mostly connected through activities (he read to me as a child, played sports with me etc.). I realize now that he is also has codependent characteristics but didn't when I was younger so I tried to grow up to "be" like him not realizing his flaws.

I have been making baby steps for a while towards getting to know myself/setting boundaries. I wish I had realized when our children were younger--I am sure that my codependence made me an unhealthy mother in many ways. I know cluelessness is not an excuse but it is the only one I've got!