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sarahsweets · Mar 08, 2019, 12:22 PM

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Originally Posted by jaymoq

He says I don’t have a right to tell him what he can or can’t do. So the screen time I think wouldn’t go over well. He told me I “nag” him about things like, oh— basic living. The coffee table is covered in his dishes and trash and if I even mention it, I’m a nag. He has gotten to the point he’s so lazy he actually... pees on the floor. Yeah. He “misses” the toilet and says I don’t understand since I’m not a man how it’s hard to aim.

Believe me when I tell you that I am sympathetic when it comes to depression- I am BPII and other stuff so I get it. But being mean and nasty, throwing things back in your face, ignoring you and being gross is still not ok. Yes depression can make us irritable but that doesnt mean we get to treat people like crap.
As hard as it will be you may need to sit down and have a conversation and have one that may have "consequences". Is there something he really likes that you provide for him? Is it the cable bill or something like that? What would he do if you decided you didn't want some services since he isn't contributing towards paying for them? Unfortunately many times, change requires pain and consequence. And this happens all the time. Many people are resistant to change-even good change but especially change that makes them accountable and uncomfortable. It is not easy but you cant take care of yourself in any sort of healthy way living like that. You can't make him get help, he has to agree to it and want it. What would you do if he never changed and this was basically it? Would you stay? I think you really need to think about that part in case he tells you basically to F off.

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And like- ok. But maybe clean it up! But of course, that makes me a nag. He eats food and puts back empty boxes. Then when I go to make my lunch for work, I have no food. And again, if I say anything, I’m a nag.

And, lets be real- "nag" is such a cop-out insult. Its an all encompassing F-U to the person on the receiving end. You want, deserve and need certain things- you are not a nag, you are a partner. He is a jerk for calling you a nag.

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It’s really frustrating. And he doesn’t see anything wrong. I love him dearly but I also can’t live in this mess. I had a boyfriend like this before— and that ended really badly. Depressed. Angry. Made me their enemy. And I’m trying not to compare the two but it’s starting to look like that situation.

yes I agree.

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I feel like it’s me. And of course I get blamed. That I’m too demanding. That I won’t let him live his life. Be his “own person”. But I feel like keeping a home clean, especially if you don’t have a job and do NOTHING around the house, isn’t asking too much? I mean- I have had to increase my medications and start seeing my therapist more regularly to handle this situation. But I’m still expected to clean and get groceries and be the positive one. Be the support system. But I really need one too.

And it isn't you. If he wants to "be his own person" and "live his own life" then he should actually be the one contributing to it. If you are doing and paying for everything he is not "living his life" he is sucking away yours.

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I even started to self harm a few months back because I was so exhausted. I just didn’t feel like going on. And my boyfriend called me weak and told me I’m crazy. But of course, his actions are just acceptable because he is depressed.

OMG! I am so angry for you- what a cheap, insensitive shot. I dont know if I could tolerate that and I do not think you should.

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Sorry I’m not trying to vent but I’m just so fed up. I hate the idea of punishing my boyfriend because of his depression but some of this feels like an excuse by his depression for his actions. I am depressed too. I have manic episodes. But I keep on going to work. Paying the bills. Holding down the fort. Why do I have to be that stability and he gets to avoid any of it?

If you do not give him some sort of consequence like- moving out or losing things he wants why should he change? He has his way all around now and depressed or not he is pretty comfortable living this way. He gets to do whatever he wants and you are expected to tolerate it an provide for him. Not cool.