My music is speaking to me. I was listening to Jeremy Camp’s version of “Give me Jesus” and some of the lyrics are: when I come to die...just give me Jesus. Well, when I heard it, Thankfully, it wasn’t a thought I hung onto but it was something I felt passionately at the time.

As far as my day, I went to group, then ran some errands, was wrapped up in my head the whole day. Then, I took an extremely long shower and listened to praise music the entire time. The specific worship music I listened to takes me back to a time when I was incredibly spiritual and had an extraordinary and magnificent relationship with the Holy Spirit. That music choice, of course, was deliberate but I couldn’t seem to help it and it had (and is having) a haunting effect on me. In fact, I’ve been listening to that music the last few days. I need to have purpose again.

I talked to my therapist yesterday about that episode from 7 years ago. We have talked about it many times but never like this because she said my thoughts are delusional and she has never seen that from me. We walked through the details of those 6-8 months and how it could have been faith and illness...that they aren’t mutually exclusive. I’m having trouble believing that right now though. Like with my 6 hour shower that happened in that time frame...she said, I assure you, that water was ice cold. She said no one has a water heater that would last that long. She compared it to someone really high on drugs. Then she asked if I believed her. All I could say was that her reasoning was logical but it could have been a miracle. That water was still hot after 6 hours and I only turned that water off because God himself said to me “Sarah, turn off the water.” I believe it was a miracle.

My husband also tried being the voice of reason...he said if I can’t recognize mania as anything other than spiritual, then I should try to recognize the depression. Why are they so long and debilitating? He said that would make it seem like God is using me as a voodoo doll, just poking me whenever he so pleases.

I get it; I really do. I’m just having trouble with acceptance. I am currently still taking my meds though. I am having faith in a very trustworthy treatment team and family who wants the best for me. I don’t want to go into the hospital and every single person tells me I’ll go right there if I stop my meds right now. I don’t think I would belong there but I don’t think they would agree. Just because something is not socially acceptable does not mean it makes me ill. I do think the meds are bad for me and I am SURE they are stunting the faith that is currently overcoming me. Faith I never want to let go of again. Faith I want to pass through my generations. Faith that defines my life.