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ChickenNoodleSoup · Mar 09, 2019, 05:55 AM

First, we talked about a friend of mine who's going to come to my country for a while in two months. He has expressed some interest in me (sexual) and has mentioned the possibility of wanting a threesome with me and my partner when he's here again.

T was really confused by it, saying that it seems out of context and like something nobody normal would ever do. I gave him some background on it (which he should already have but he's sometimes a bit forgetful). He then said how he's thinking about what he could possibly ask about this situation... I said you could ask whether I want to do it. He replied that would not be an open enough question. But that there's something similar that he's hinting at, whether I know what it is. I said: "how do you feeeeel about it?" He laughed and said yes. I said how on the one hand it makes me nervous and anxious but on the other hand I've never had any experiences with anyone besides my partner, so it makes it interesting. But since my partner didn't express any interest in the whole thing, it's pretty easy for me to decide too.

I then wanted to move on to another topic. I said how I'd been having the same flashback multiple times this week.

Possible trigger:

It's about me throwing up each day before school.

First he asked me some question about it, like why I felt that way. I told him about my routine each morning, as well as when and why it usually happened.

Since it's connected to fear, he asked me whether I remember why I was always so afraid of school. Like what was the scariest part. I said it was probably being laughed at or being bullied in general, and not knowing whether it would happen. And then there was the part where I was anxious about physical ed lessons due to having to change.

Possible trigger:

He asked whether that was because of self harm. I nodded. He asked whether I'd usually hide my wounds. I told him how at first I used to cut on my underarm and I'd not cover that up, so if I wore short sleeves you could see it. But it was winter so only during physical ed it would show. But I switched to my upper arm after about two weeks.
He asked whether it used to be visible, which it had been. He asked how I went about changing for those lessons, so I told him.

We then talked more about the cutting, like when and where would I do it, would my parents notice.

We talked about me crying every night for almost all of high school. T asked whether my behavior during those times is similar to the way I sometimes act in sessions. I said yes. He asked whether I'm scared of that and I said yes again. He wanted to know why and I said it hurts.

Possible trigger:

He asked whether cutting hurts, which I found pretty funny.

I told him it hurts to be this sad. He replied that it's okay to allow pain to be there. I started to cry. He got up to get me a tissue. I got scared that he'd leave for some reason but I didn't tell him, was too consumed by crying.

He did some mindfulness with me, told me to concentrate on my breath. Occasionally he'd ask what my thoughts were (mostly memories from the past). I told him that I try to do some mindfulness exercises at work sometimes, it helps me concentrate. He said that's good.

We had to stop, so I wiped my face and gathered my stuff. He confirmed that we'd see each other next week and told me to reach out as usual if anything came up. He also stressed that he'd like me to go jogging or exercise in some other way a lot, that he thinks it'll help. Then we shook hands and I left.