I am very good at making acquaintanceships. I am surrounded by a large number of them. However, close friendships are another matter. I have very few relationships I would describe as such. Socialising however, despite my anxieties, is not something I generally have a problem with.

Why? Why can I not move beyond a simple acquaintanceship to a more involved friendship?

Trust. I have very little trust in people. This goes back to the harassment I endured in the military. This goes back to the bullying I received at the hands of peers in childhood. This goes back to the emotional abuse of my mother. I can't trust anyone because I don't know if they are going to turn on me or become a predator. Also, I moved around a great deal as both a child and young adult. I simply was never in one place for any kind of time to get close to people and form lasting relationships.

The few friendships I have today are those formed in the military - kind of a united we stand sort of thing.They are lasting bonds made more out of protection than having much else in common.

Anxious around people and being extroverted? Yes, an unlikely union. I believe it stems from a long worn mask of confidence. The best defence is a good offence. If I strike people as strongly confident they won't bully me or otherwise take me down. I can 'work a room' at a party but will start to cry and shake the moment I leave it.

Acquaintanceships are made, but promises to get together again are rarely kept. And dang it,I hate it because there are people I meet who I strongly gravitate towards and would really like to get to know further.

No, I instead I stare at numbers entered in my phone and struggle unsuccessfully to ring them.