Hi there,
I am so sorry that you're in such a dark place and feel so alone. I've been there and know that many others here have also been where you are now. It can get better, but it's gonna take work on your part.

When I read your post I did not think you were/are a sex addict. My first reaction was perhaps you drink too much and lose control over your behavior. Going to bars by yourself is never safe. Getting drunk and going home with a strange man is also never safe. Getting so drunk you end up having sex with one of those strange man is --- not safe.

Have you looked at your drinking patterns? Does drinking ever make you feel better for any length of time beyond the initial high?

If you are always looking in the rear-view mirror and not liking what you see, perhaps you need to make some decisions and start looking forward.

Do you have a competent therapist? Have you ever gone to an AA meeting? We have a great group of people in the substance abuse forum who provide substantial support to one another. I know Rayna would be a good contact.

I know you are suffering right now, but you are actually at an ideal place too. You can grab the reins of your life and say "whoa" I need to do something different from now on. Sometimes we need to get to a place of total suffering and devastation in order to motivate us to change.

I totally support you in your efforts to feel better about yourself. We are all here for ya! Take my hand and I will help you get out of that pit of despair.

Let me say something about despair. Despair is a rather strong character. He can lead you into things that keep him alive in your life. He will try to grab hold and not let go. Fight back! You can beat him!

Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing. You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are just in pain right now. Let us support you on your way back to good health!
Love,
Okie