You have really been sucking at email lately. I am starting to think that you are sucking so much on purpose as a way to hint that I should stop emailing you. I think it's working, whether you mean for it to happen or not. You don't really do passive-aggressive like that, at least not with me, but I would rather have no email contact than for it to be like this.

It just occurred to me that this reminds me of my mother. I try to make myself as crystal clear as I possibly can, and it feels like you're purposely missing the point. Or maybe like you can't hear me at all. You would love this insight, but I can't share it because you would probably respond with, like, a turtle emoji.