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sarahsweets · Mar 10, 2019 at 06:15 AM

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Originally Posted by aimlesshiker

Anyway, lately (and actually for the past couple years, but that's another story), my partner has been very un-motivated. I've been the breadwinner for over a year now, although we don't have a ton of bills or debt, it's still hard on me. He's living with me in housing (for work, not school) although I'm technically not supposed to have him there, so there's one stressor for me (I can get paranoid about getting in trouble, especially since this is a really important job for me). On top of that, he hasn't had a job for over a year, and although he's been going to school, he's only been applying to leads that I forward to him. I don't mind helping, but I told him recently that I wish he'd apply to way more on his own time because it's stressful for me to pay for pretty much everything.

That is a lot on your shoulders and I do not feel that it is fair. You are allowed to feel the way you do. Depression or not he is letting you shoulder all the weight. What would happen if you stopped taking care of him?

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He's been diagnosed depressed and I've been very understanding: I have anxiety and PMS-induced depression. We took a break last year because I couldn't deal with his lack of motivation, but he promised to change and we got back together. His motivation is usually so low he doesn't plan trips or dates for us, and he literally told me one day that he doesn't have the motivation to leave the house, so if I want to go somewhere I should suggest it to him.

That is very telling, In a way he is calling your bluff. You share what you are feeling and responsibilities and he basically tells you to deal with it or end the relationship. I do not believe that is fair to say to you and depressed or not he should be contributing to the relationship.

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How much does depression affect your motivation? Do I have the right to feel resentment towards him when he doesn't apply to more jobs or clean the house? I've been getting better about communicating my needs to him, and I never make him feel bad for being depressed, absolutely not.

Its not about having the right to feel resentment its about having needs that are not met. The thing is...with resentment, its like poison for your soul and gets in the way of everything. You have to make your needs known and state what your expectations are specifically. Have a sit down with him and tell he what you want, need and expect. Then if he blows you off and doesn't like what you have said, you will know you set a boundary and you will be able to recognize when that boundary is crossed. Resentments usually only happen when someone is not meeting our expectations or needs which is why it is so important to have that conversation with him. He needs natural consequences in order to change. I dont mean that as in he needs punishments or reprimanding; but he needs to know what will happen if he continues on this path. I am guessing you wont kick him out so what other things can you do to get through to him? Do you pay for his phone? Maybe you should stop doing that. Do you have cable tv? Maybe cut that and save money in order for you to not worry about your financial needs. My point is you need to state your needs, state how those needs can be met and state what will happen if they are not met.

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I guess I'm looking for also looking for advice as to how he can get more motivated. I think the side effects and withdrawal symptoms of meds make us both leery of them. He was going to therapy but stopped because he doesn't have the money. It's a bit of an impasse, but at the same time, it shouldn't be.

Just because meds gave him side effects doesnt mean he cant try them. I doubt it that he has been on tons of them in combinations right? He seems like the person who may half a**sed tried meds and when they didnt work perfectly the way he expected he gives up. Expecting our partners to play an active roll in their mental heath treatment is totally within your right. If he had diabetes or high blood pressure he would take meds right?
Some people get hung up on being "dependent" on meds. So who cares if you are dependent on them? You have to give different meds some time to see if they work. Having side effects doesn't preclude you from continuing to try other meds and combos.
It sounds like he wants you to not only handle every bill and chore and if you dont like it well- tough. It is a very immature way of behaving in relationship. You asked how to get him motivated:
if he is allowed to live the way you have let him live her doesnt have to be motivated. He has it all the way he wants it. No financial burdens, housing, food etc. Its all on your plate so why should he change? If you want him to change you have to make him uncomfortable because so many of us learn about change through pain.