i agree with what everyone plus what you are saying, sol. It's an example of a grown up relationship, with its ups and downs. You are right, you have to view him as a little gray now, not all good; not all bad.

He can't tell you to terminate but if he wanted to get rid of you or felt he couldn't effectively help you, he would have referred you at that point when you asked. Keep talking to him. It doesn't make sense sometimes, when we are met with harsh, strict boundaries that feel like punishment. But it sounds like he's trying to find the way with you, he's human, he's not going to say it right all the time. Forgive him so that you can learn to forgive yourself. I so hate these types of experiences and they can seem so cold but it always turns me back to myself. One thing i remember that helps is that "I don't have to act so quickly, so impulsively. It's not going to hurt to wait another second.....I want to hurt myself, but I'm just going to do nothing for a little bit longer." I think it's like your T saying that all you have to do is breathe.....
It's so hard to get out of our own way sometimes. Maybe the best action is non-action. Sit with it. Even though it feels like torture, you are learning and healing.

Know you are not alone. Thinking of you.....peace